(“Just remember: what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” Donald J. Trump)
1. The sun continues to rise in the west, just as it always has. Trust me, I’ve studied these things.
2. Medical experts say I have such good genetics, I will never sprout a gray hair.
3. Obama went gray in office because the job was way over his head. Total disaster for eight years. SAD. My next eight years in office will be beyond what anyone can imagine!
4. I have more Nobel Prize nominations than anyone, probably ever.
5. I was talking to that Nobel guy just last week, and he says I’m a shoo-in.
6. Speaking of shoes, did I ever tell you how handsome my feet are? Totally the most striking man-feet anyone has ever seen.
7. Speaking of feet, I’m six feet three inches tall, two inches taller than Obama and waaay taller than Lyin’ Hillary. The Fake News Media gets it wrong again!!
8. Fake news reporting factory closures at Caterpillar! Won’t happen. Believe me.
9. And another thing: I’m not too impressed with caterpillars. Real men don’t have to mature. They’re BORN butterflies.
10. I’m an Orange Monarch. A butterfly like Ali, as well as a king! (Barron told me that monarch means both.)
11. In the coming days, I’m going to be revealing an amazing new system of government. We will cut back on the criminal waste and inefficiency of the current three branches and eliminate the bloated salaries paid to congress and judges. Stay turned!
12. We now have PROOF positive my people elected me with more VERIFIED VOTES than any other leader in history. I should be your leader for life, just like my good friend Jinping.
13. Life-wise, love-wise, and all the other wises you can think of, I am killing it! Bigly.
14. My tweets are being included in the next Norton Anthology of Literature!
15. Spoke again with my good friend Lord Beelzebub! Great guy with a huge following. Made the BEST deal ever! Great partnership.
16. Useless Celebs and EX Politicos can DREAM ON if they think they have more followers than me. Their bots and trolls should have been out in the twitterpurge, instead of REAL people blocked for loving America and Freedom!!
17. I love America and Freedom so much that—little known fact—Lee Greenwood stole most of his lyrics from ME. (It’s just like what happened to Melania with Michelle Obama.)
18. Did I ever tell you Frank Sinatra recorded “My Way” just for me? True story. He could see the future and the importance I would have to America, the world, and Miss Universes.
19. No collision! Total wish hunt!
20. I work hard for you, America. Every day. 12, 13 hours a day. Even weekends. No breaks.
21. Do you know how many people I employee at Mar-A-Lago? It takes two full-time women—very thin, nicely dressed—just to scoop my ice cream. Still, fake news says I haven’t done enough to bring back jobs.
22. Melania is in love with me and only me! She is always trying to hold my hand and cuddle with me. Sometimes I just have to explain that I am working overtime for the America and I’ll come to bed as soon as I can.
23. I’m so proud of Melania, who is still the hottest First Lady ever! Jackie O. wasn’t bad, maybe a 9, but the crop since her have been SAD, especially Crooked Hillary. Woof!
24. So many beautiful women in D.C. these days, thanks to me. Ask anyone working at the White House, and he’ll tell you adoring fans are an occupational hazard. Nothing but full dance cards for this administration, and the view from my desk is very fine indeed. Look, there goes Ivanka!
25. People are always asking me about this Tiffany. I don’t know any Tiffanys. And if they mean the store on Fifth Avenue, trust me, it’s a shithole. All my gifts come from Trump & Co. Click below for more information about our latest deals.
26. Michael Avenatti is so ugly—he’s in it for the attention and so he can maybe get laid. Pathetic!
27. People are saying I should lock up Crooked Hillary and Obama and the FBI and the Fake News reporters and the NFL players who won’t stand for the national . . . . . anthem and the whole Deep State. So many bad Santas! I’m thinking I should just deport them to Puerto Rico.
28. Tasteless talking heads want to insult the length of my tie? All my clothes are made in America, just like me, but I would look nice in one of those official, military uniforms. Right?
29. I was too young to serve in Vietnam so U.S. Army plans to make me Honorary General. Those guys are some good hombres!
30. Speaking of good hombres, do you know Melania can speak thirteen different languages?
31. I could be fluid in a lot of languages too if I wanted too, but English is all you need. Everyplace in the world speaks English. And anyone in America who doesn’t want to, we should make it ILLEGAL and deport them to Puerto Rico. That lawyer in the deli had the right idea.
32. The gay people really should thank me, you know, for keeping out vicious murderers who want to come to America just to kill gays and push them off rooftops. I protect them from Pence, too, and it is no small task keeping that guy off the gays.
33. There’s some good stuff in the Bible, though. I’ve read it all the way thru. Many times. Some people don’t know, but a lot of the chapters are named after women. Mary. Eve. Lots of great God-loving gals in there, and Pence couldn’t be alone with a single one of them. His loss.
34. I really love in the Bible when men have more than one wife. I mean, it’s natural—God made men so that they could have their pick of women. Women love men who are, you know, players. I’m fine with gay guys. That just means more ladies for me.
35. Some loser Dems are saying that I can’t pardon myself. Like that’s a law or something. It’s all hyperthetical because as I’ve said a million times NO COLLUSION. But I could too. Ever heard the phrase Pardon Me?
36. No decent American even cares about collusion. Of course there was NO COLLUSION. But if there was. SO WHAT?
37. The two best hombres I know are Sean Hannity and Rudy Julianna. Rudy’s so great they even made a movie about him before 9-11. It’s about his days as a football star. Makes Forrest Gump look like a pussy. All real Americans love RUDY.
38. Speaking of football, I am a great athlete. Golfing is the most demanding sport of all time. You have to be in tiptop shape to bend over and put the ball on that tee. I almost always get it first try! America, you can count on me to be the best bender-over and whacker this country has ever seen. Ever.
39. When are people going to start saying Mr. President thank you for improving relationships with Russia? Putin’s a great guy, and together we’re going to Make America Great Again!!!
40. I have a world to run. America is leader of the free world.
41. And a world without me is like ketchup without the steak.
42. And a world without steak is like a hippie vegan commune! No thank you!!
43. Fake news is saying I want to be a dictator, which is totally unfair! They shouldn’t be allowed to keep printing lies, and pretty soon I’m just going to have to put my foot down. They can whine all they want about freedom of the press but that’s not even in the original Constitution. They probably don’t know that.
44. Had to get away from G7 crybabies and losers. Had to take other, better meetings with some really incredible people. Lots of great input for amazing new plan of action (roadmap) for future alliances with a much saner group of leaders.
45. My meetings are better than all the other meetings put together. We have ice cream at my meetings, and all the smartest people from all the smartest schools, and we keep the language clean—unlike certain Dem talk show hosts with sagging ratings! There are no “agendas” at my meetings either—too gay. I just hand out some dittos that say TRUMP
WANTS at the top. Good answers are rewarded with double scoops.
46. I am a Gemini, born on FLAG DAY! That tells you all you need to know, America. I love our flag—don’t believe the haters. I am not out to make money for myself. I have plenty of that already. Some say, billions! If money falls into my lap and pockets don’t blame me. I am a chick/money magnet. Always will be.
47. Running the world is a lot harder than people think.
48. NYC AG office (corrupt!!!) wasting money investigating standup charity work! Slimy Schneiderman already out with the garbage, where sleezy New York Dems should stuff this ruthless, senseless lawsuit against TRUMP FOUNDATION. Is it wrong somehow to raise millions to HELP VETERANS?
49. I care so much about all the wars its almost like I served in them!
50. I care so much about all my wives it feels like I was actually faithful to each one!
51. Kim Jong Un and I set a date to play paddle tennis. Love that guy!!
52. Asia is an amazing country! I’ve read all the best books on the China province. My people see me in the emperor light, I think, more than just a regular President.
53. Emperors have always had an Apprentice (highest rated show ever!) mindset. If their people aren’t showing them enough respect, their FIRED!
54. American presidents should be saluted!
55. Men from outer space have asked me to be their leader, but I’m hard at work here. Plus, not a huge fan of aliens.
56. Speaking of space aliens, Rick Scott disappoints me lately. Florida Man doesn’t seem to understand LOYALTY. Maybe that’s not a word on his home planet. I’d feed him to the alligators if we didn’t need that Senate seat so we can build our big beautiful wall.
57. You know who would be really great in Congress—Kanye West! He has the style, the attitude, the LOYALTY, and excellent taste in women too! I’ve been a role model for Kanye since the start. Ask him his favorite beverage and he’ll tell you—Trump wines (any flavor)!
58. Kim is obviously the best looking Kardashian—which is why I listened to her about freeing that prisoner. Kris is OK but too old. Khloe better now that she’s lost weight. Kourtney hasthe genetics but doesn’t try. And those younger sisters—ooh la la. Wait. Did I just tweet this? I was trying to put this in my diary app called “id.”
59. People have said that I could sell my sperm for millions. But I’m already a billionaire, I don’t need the money. I just do it for YOU, America!
60. I do have amazing sperm. Just look at beautiful Ivanka. Great ratings. Great beauty. Total package with men falling all over her. Women, too, probably. Haven’t thought about it. OK. I have thought about it a little. Who hasn’t?
61. Speaking of beautiful women, the Miss America pageant has caved to cultural elites and eliminated the time honed tradition of the swimsuit competition. SAD! I hope they’re ready for a bunch of flabby book-readers and science-lovers waddling around their runways. Miss Universe can thank me that we never sunk so low when I was in charge. (I pushed for naked mud-wrestling!)
62. Part of MEGA is making women beautiful again! We’re sick of looking at unlipsticked lips and women in sweatpants! SAD SACKS!
63. I played college football and would have been a top NFL draft pick if it weren’t for my bone spurs.
64. My First Lady and myself we support team sports in place of skip rope and hula hoop nonsense supported by older White Houses. No more “participation” trophies for every kid. Trophies are for winners. Like me.
65. You know those bookshelves that people were complaining I didn’t fill with a bunch of fat hardbacks? Well, I needed that space for my many loving cups, blue ribbons, and gold medallions. I say if you can’t do, read. If you can do, grab the prize like a…
66. Movies are better than books because you can really see the people instead of trying to imagine them in your head—especially the hot actresses. Some of them I know personally and they all like me and think I am a great guy. They wish they could visit this White House but I have work to do.
67. This immigration infestation is out of hand, especially all these unaccompanied kids. The Dems and the Fake Media whine. . . . . . but they don’t offer any solutions! Some people are saying that Jonathan Swift has come up with a beautiful plan in his mega bestseller A Modest Proposal. Inviting him to the White House to discuss it.
68. Just fired seven snotty interns I caught laughing at horrible Internet photo doctored to make me look like a potato farmer in a skirt. I still look pretty good, actually, but let’s just say no one should expect the kid who called me Senora Trump home for the holidays. He should have been nicer and more respectful to his President.
69. The potato is my favorite vegetable—so versatill! I don’t know what Michelle Obama is whining about with this so-called school lunch “problem.” French fries with ketchup—potato plus tomato. Those kids are getting two vegetables in one side every single day.
70. Maybe we should get KFC on the school menu—so kids can learn respect for colonels and the military early on. KFC is as American as apple pie! As my cardiologist says—an apple pie a day keeps the doctor away.
71. The Beatles claimed they were more popular than Jesus. But look at them now, mostly dead and forgotten. I, on the other hand, really am more popular than Jesus who was, by all accounts, a nice guy but a loser. I prefer my heroes not to be crucified.
72. I love the Christian believers though. Love them. They stand by their beliefs, and they vote. They are smart, too, smart enough to know a good leader when they see him on TV.
73. You know who else I like a lot? Dave Thomas. He made a great living selling burgers and chili, and he appeared in a ton of commercials promoting his product. He also used his wife as the company’s logo, which I’m thinking about doing with Melania. What a great way to boost interest—which is already high!—in my steaks and deodorant line. Dave just used Wendy’s face, though. He should have gone for the full body shot.
74. I also have a thing for the Morton Salt Girl (so young!) and the Sunbeam bread girl—though I usually don’t go for curly hair. Natasha (or Natasha and Boris) was my first crush. What a looker!
75. A vote for Democrats in November is a vote to let MS-13 run wild in our communities, to let kids and ugly women run the country, and to tax hardworking American’s Diet Coke and force them to eat kale. Democrats want anarchy, chaos, crabgrass, and more reruns of VEEP.
76. I get so busy working, either for America, planning big summit meetings, or just working out for exercise, I sometimes forget to eat. Maybe someone will grab a Fish Delight from McDonalds and I’ll have that (no bun) while I talk on the phone to whoever needs to speak with the President.
77. “Mr. President” is alright as titles go, but in recognition of all the good work I’m doing, I deserve an upgrade to “Divine Ruler” or “Your Majesty” or even “The Fixer,” because thats what I do—fix everything Barack Obama broke. I’m basically guaranteed to get honorary doctorates from all the Ivies too, and I think “Dr. President” has a nice ring to it. Face it—our nation was basically DOA when I showed up. Then I took those great big paddles and gave democracy the jolt of it’s life.
78. For 2020 my slogan will be “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” because by 2020 I will have solved all of America’s problems but then you need a good maintenance program and no one will know how to keep everything great except me.
79. What phenomenal picks I’ve made with Neal and Brett! Now that we’ve got a new and IMPROVED Supreme Court, we’re going to update their look. Get rid of those stuffy black robes. I’ll be donating Trump golf shirts and khakis. And cute golf skirts for the ladies on the bench.
80. Really looking forward to giving the queen her opportunity to kiss my ring or whatever women royals are supposed to do for Presidents. The English are planning a big parade to honor my arrival in their land.
81. Most guys my age are a mess—arthritis, baldness, rotting teeth, erection disfunction—but not me. My doctor says my body is basically a total repellent to disease. America, how lucky you are to have such a spry, full-haired sex god for President with all his own teeth and a harem of hotties surrounding him! It’s only my bone spurs keeping me humble.
82. The true Americans (not the losers and haters) realize how humble I am. I hate to brag about my wealth or sexual prowess or high IQ. I do everything so much better than everybody else, but I keep it on the down low. As the alpha-est of alpha males, I feel a responsibility to not be too much of a blowhard.
83. Great meeting with the Queen! Lots of pomp and circumcision, but she’s a good gal. And 500,000 people turned out on the streets of London to greet my arrival!! Fake news claimed they were protesters, but they’ll say anything to undermine the amazing things we’re accomplishing. Why didn’t they mention that no American president has EVER been invited to have tea with the Queen before?
84. I photograph very well. People tell me, hey, you ALWAYS look great in pictures. But it’s true, right? It’s true. Every time I see my portrait, there I am. I’ve been famous forever, but now with the presidency, I’ll be in all the history books. I’ll probably get the cover.
85. While I was always an A+ student, I never loved history before, and I think its because the book writers spent so much time on people who were too stupid not to die young. Do you know how many people in our history books didn’t even see their fortieth birthdays? Well, it’s A LOT. Trust me. At forty, I was running a multi million dollar company and appearing on Late Night with Dave Letterman. Best thing that ever happened to that guy. He’s gotten way too
gray and beardy-liberal since then.
86. When you are on TV a lot like me, well, people just automatically love you. I get it all the time—guys want to be me, ladies want to be with me. All the other politicians love me though you’d never know that from the fake news. My father loved me the best!!
87. People are saying my face should be added to Mount Rushmore. Which would be great for North Dakota because it’s been proven that the Trump name on a property adds immense VALUE. Mount TRUMPmore has a nice ring to it!
88. America is too young a nation to remember the value of a powerful monarch. This country has a divine right to a ruler who will protect our borders and values. Term limits are for losers! Vote in the midterms for Law and Order and Safety for true Americans, and we can take our little love affair to the chapel, America.
89. Speaking of chapels, a great and totally underestimated part of the American landscape is Los Vegas! I love it there—the showgirls, the sizzle, the all-night buffets. It’s basically me as a metropolis! In addition to the Winter White House in Florida, this country could really use a Western White House so citizens wouldn’t have to travel so far to see me in all my glory. We also need to rename The Strip “The Trump.” Ronald Reagan got airports and turnpikes named after him, and he didn’t have my looks or brains, let alone my entertainment industry sashay!
90. So many producers have asked me to be in movies over the years….not only soft porn, but box office gold. I am the most handsome president yet and I suppose I would consider playing myself in a movie of the greatest American president who ever lived!
91. The Dems and FAKE NEWS have their panties in a twist because Vlad and I had a good meeting. Can’t stand to see me winning. They keep asking what we talked about. I say, none of your damn business! I won the election. Get a life!!
92. Don’t know why so-called “intelligence” thinks it’s Russia. If it was Russia, then we’d know, and we don’t know, do we? Baseless arrests in this stupid witch hunt need to stop RIGHT NOW.
93. Speaking of witches, where’s Crooked Hillary these days? While I’m here minding the store, she’s out committing hundreds of other crimes. She’s not the kind of woman people keep a eye on, if you know what I mean. Time to hunt the real witches and leave good men alone!
94. Real men lead hunts not witch hunts. My sons are expert big game killers! Very manly. I’m sick of all the snowflakes and their tacky pets. Melania and I don’t want animals in our house making a mess. If we want to feel close to an animal we eat a steak.
95. Look, I don’t need to tweet all this. I do it because I want to be completely clear and forthcoming with the American People. Unlike the lying Dems and the Fake News and Hillary and Obama. People should know what’s going through my head. And let me tell you, it’s amazing how much I think about during a single day. Millions of things. Probably more things than even Einstein or that smart guy in the wheelchair that just died.
96. Listen, since we’ve cleared up this would/wouldn’t Russia thing, I went through some of my other clips that have caused a big stir in FAKENEWSLAND. The grammar nazis should know I meant to say that time I was stuck on the bus with perverted Billy Bush, “when you’re a star, they ASK you TO do it.” Then I know I said “you CAN’T do anything.” I meant it. I said it twice. I even mentioned my wife. Terrible audio, by the way. Possibly, probably altered.
97. Sometimes I have to stop everything I’m doing and just tell myself the truth in front of my mirror: You are handsome. You are hot shit. You are going viral every day for the good of the American people. (This is what highly effective people do. It’s called an infirmation.)
98. The National Inquirer and TMZ are the only news outlets you can trust, people.
99. This is exactly why I don’t like to do news conferences. The Fake News reporters ask really hard questions. And no matter how I answer they find something wrong with it. But don’t worry, Your Beloved Leader is going to ride out this Ridiculous Witch Hunt because I’m innocent as a newborn babe. Speaking of babies, the malcontents and hired protestors that fly those baby balloons think they’re going to embarrass me but the joke’s on them. Nothing
100. My people need to respect their President and appreciate all that I do to keep them safe and secure, things no one else is even remotely capable of doing. Without me as Commander-in-Chief, the lights go out, forever. Believe me.
Debra Dean is the bestselling author of The Madonnas of Leningrad, published in twenty-one languages. Ross King calls her most recent book, Hidden Tapestry, “one of the most remarkable artistic stories of the twentieth century.” Debra teaches on the creative writing faculty at Florida International University.
Denise Duhamel’s most recent poetry book is Scald (Pittsburgh, 2017). Blowout (Pittsburgh, 2013) was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award. Her other titles include Ka-Ching!; Two and Two; Queen for a Day: Selected and New Poems; The Star-Spangled Banner; and Kinky. She teaches creative writing at Florida International University.
Angela Griffin completed a Master of Arts in English at Western Washington University and a Master of Library and Information Science at the University of Pittsburgh. She is a technical services librarian in Miami and recently published her first book review for New South.
Julie Marie Wade’s most recent collections are Same-Sexy Marriage: A Novella in Poems (A Midsummer Night’s Press, 2018) and SIX: Poems (Red Hen Press, 2016). Her forthcoming collection is The Unrhymables: Collaborations in Prose (Noctuary Press, 2019), co-authored with Denise Duhamel. She teaches in the creative writing program at Florida International University in Miami.